it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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