Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I checked into jail on foursquare
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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