Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
