it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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