life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
