I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
