I wish I could punch you in the face.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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