the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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