Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
