You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
