It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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