yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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