Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
