I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
