Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We need to get me chipped asap
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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