Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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