walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
