Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
