ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We don't watch enough power rangers
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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