the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize