just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
