i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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