my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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