I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
