how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
