why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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