Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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