I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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