you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
