So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
