sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
