I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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