just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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