She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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