we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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