the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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