I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
