why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
