I puked a lego.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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