worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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