yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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