if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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