Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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