Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
