Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
