If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
