Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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