in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
