just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
