The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
40s are totally the cure
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
