my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
