they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
