Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
