OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
