We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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