my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
