The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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