I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
