You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
