I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
