You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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