Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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