Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
