Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
