i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize