Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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