I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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