Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
