there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize