Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We are all done wearing pants today
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
