If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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